last night i dreamt of no-water tazo chais.
ahh Starbucks, stop stealing my dreams!
i'm at my parent's house right now.
i feel like a nomad when i'm here, i drop my crap off in whatever room i'm transplanted to, and just sleep.
always in a bed that ruins my back for the first half of the day.
i forget I have to quiet my voice for baby, and watch too much tv.
i'm tired of my cliche rantings about home.
they move on the 28th to London, and i fly to Alberta on the 26th.
i kind of feel like a jerk about missing helping them move.. they have a lot of work left to do.
i come back to Toronto on the 1st of january.
i'm not sure i'm ready for 2008.
but i don't have a choice.
... i have finished my exams; am 5/8th done my university degree (ah!).
i feel less sad than before but still have my moments. i'm intensely looking forward to the winter break to reevaluate my life, to figure where God's missing and to put Him back in there... to continue to battle with my issues of fear... to open up more freely to where the Lord might take me (what an awesome&scary feeling)......... it's feeling lately like i have nothing to lose...
there are a lot of things i just need to give up to God. today (well. not only today.) i
i can't stop listening to 'just like honey' by jesus & marychain. oh, that, and the wanderer by johnny cash feat. U2. except, i'm not sure why it's featuring U2 whenall they do is have bono sing a few "awooo"s at the end of the song. oh my gosh,i love thatsong just because of how predictable U2 is in it. i bet mom really likes that song.
life is good, it just needs to slow down... which it will, next semester- at least i am making room for it to. i am only taking four courses (technically three, plus placement) and am definetly cutting back on hours at work. i'm not going to work on sundays anymore, it will be my day of rest! what am i hoping for? more time with jesus (STRUCTURED yet SPONTANEOUS time with jesus!!), more time with friends i feel like i've stopped investing in/haven't started investing in!, more water, more relationships, MORE REFLECTION, more mix cds, more love, more FAMILY, more frugalness, more church, more of my CITY. more stigma breaking. more living in indie coffee shops. MORE PRAYER! more live music, more patience, more learning. more fasting. less alcohol, less caffeine, less anxiety, less apprehension, less spending money, less bad sleeping patterns, less negativity, less gossip, less judgements, less mess, less swearing.
i guess we'll see how it goes.
Never have I felt so overwhelmed by the feeling that I am a totally awful friend to a dear friend of mine. I hate that I keep on saying I don't know how to support them. I won't accept that anymore. Trying harder. Would like more grace from jesus please.
Rip in my best jeans again (not best jeans from last time. Two favourite/only pants I really wear have awkward holes in them). I got angry and impulsive so I just ripped them all the way- so they are completely indecent. That deserves the f-word.
enough to fill a glass salt-shaker.
I need them.
Oh, oh, oh,
I wish I had just held on a little
l o n g e r,
the self-infliction was so unnecessary,
& now i'm dealing with the implications of
relapse.
come home, come home,
you who are weary, come home;
earnestly, tenderly, Jesus is calling,
calling, "oh sinner, come home"
fantastic venue, beer in hand, surrounded by people, singing "my heart out" to Don't be so mean Jellybean.
good night. concert attended alone #4537041.
and oh, my, God, I love the weather. beautiful cold.
Let's start the entry off with a cliché:
Old habits die hard.
ughhhhh.
I can't handle what I'm feeling.
Perhaps going to the Horseshoe Tavern will solve everything, ha ha.
i hope and pray to be, let's not forget.
hero of the day: the woman breastfeeding on the 506 streetcar during rush hour.
i've been lacking a lot of self-discipline which i am blaming on my self-prescribed quote unquote seasonal and situational depression. this semester has been characterized by handing everything in late.
oh, and i hate my sleeping patterns so much.
take last week's entry and times it all by 3.
it's all so hard, and i am having a lot of difficulty focusing on much of anything.
okay, God, it seriously feels like you're trying to kill me.
