1 post tagged “easter”

Maybe you know this kind of crying; mostly silent and a constant flow of warm tears.

Yesterday was Easter Sunday, my most important holiday (yet I couldn't find my way to a church at all during Holy Week). I was on a greyhound bus toward Kitchener, to meet my family for breakfast at the Golden Griddle, followed by an Easter dinner at Grandma's. I had (and have) a lot of homework to do in a short period of time and it probably would have been wise to do some on the bus ride. Instead, I decided to catch up on a couple weeks' of my favourite podcast, This American Life.

I didn't know I would receive a picture so clear of redemption that ended up being so suitable for the occasion.

The episode I listened to was #209; Didn't Ask to Be Born, originally broadcasted seven years ago. Both acts were phenomenal, but it's the second one that really got that flow of warmth down my cheeks going.

Act Two.
Brent Runyon tells the story of the day in eighth grade that he set himself on fire ... and what led to that. He wasn't a loner, he had friends, his mother was a teacher, his parents took an interest in his life. This is an excerpt from his memoir, called The Burn Journals.

Oh the punishment being a teenager can be. I was so sharply reminded of my own adolescence, and how it is so often a miracle young women and men leave those years alive, myself included.

An excerpt I found from a journal of mine, dated April 2003:

So while I was on the field trip I came to the conclusion to what I truly want to do for the rest of my life is sleep forever. And another depressing thought- You know how when a teenager dies, the parent usually says  "S/He wasn't done with life", etc. Well today I feel as if I'm done with life. I just can't see a future in my life, and all the goals I might have, aren't there anymore. I feel as I won't be able to accomplish in my life, so what is there to live for? What's the use of going on? I'm not scared of death at all, I'm almost excited for it? I'm excited for it in both good and bad ways. And I really, really, really don't mean an that in a selfish way. I would never take my own life though. I just feel as I don't deserve to live anymore... I feel as I shouldn't be living anymore. But there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

The expression of no motivation for living expressed in Brent Runyon's narrative (an excerpt from his memoir) was so reminiscent of feelings I knew so well as a young teenager. I don't feel this way today, but how could I know that then, that I would ever get out of it? It feels like an inescapable black void, and the way out is very unclear. How do you communicate hope to someone who is hopeless? To just inconsequentially bring great harm to yourself because it's one of the only things that feel right. I know that feeling.

But also, I know the redemption of Christ.
To know he took the power out of death yesterday,
& every day.
To know that he showed me the way out of the black void,
and continues to do so when it feels like I'm finding myself there again.
To know that Jesus too felt afraid, unsure of the path ahead,
he knew, that living in this world brings deep difficulty
but still proclaimed,
"Don't be afraid!  I have overcome the world!"

Happy Easter.

(I've just ordered this from the library, by the way)