13 posts tagged “god”

if we can call them friends then we can call them on their telephones
and they won't pretend that they're too busy or that they're not alone
and if we can call them friends then we can call
holler at them down these hallowed halls
just don't let the human factor fail to be a factor
at all
-------
and we were tired of being mild
we were so tired of being mild
and we were tired...

i know we're going to meet some day
in the crumbled financial institutions of this land
there will be tables and chairs
there'll be pony rides and dancing bears
there'll even be a band
cause listen, after the fall there will be no more countries
no currencies at all, we're gonna live on our wits
we're gonna throw away survival kits,
trade butterfly-knives for adderal
and that's not all
ooh-ooh, there will be snacks there will
there will be snacks, there will be snacks.
--------
so don't you,
don't you worry
about the atmosphere.

---------

andrew bird is a brilliant lyricist.
is that the right word? i almost wrote "write" word, like a bad pun.

i love puns, knock knock jokes, and free chocolate soy milk.
oh, and my housemate makes great cookies.

hi, my name's naomi and i'm still figuring out [life after post-secondary education].
my ties are still tight there, though; i'm dating someone still in college and teaching at my alma mater's inter-varsity group.

speaking of which.... tell me, why shouldn't we judge people [lest we be judged]? i'm trying to figure that out.
i certainly don't feel qualified for this.

and i certainly don't feel certain about all of [this] everyday, you know, the whole, Jesus Christ, God, Holy Spirit thing. i mean, i'm sure,but Jesus, i feel like i'm struggling here. i know your Goodness exists, and actually, you are only Good. sometimes i struggle to feel your love completely surround me.
but i know your truth exists in the scripture of Matthew 7:1-6 and most of scripture and that there are lessons worth teaching, and that every Bible story points to you, teaches about youuu, you, you, you're everything and in everything and with everything in this constant flow

i learn so much about this Truth and Goodness from our phone calls i take notes from, in pencil and in pen, point form and scribbles, i apologize for the delay in response, i need to get it all down, so i don't forget. so the Truth and Goodness can go deep down into my soul and brain and being.

Another mug of coffee emptied,
and another day wishing it was spent mostly in bed.
Ice cream attempts failed,
but you fail to forget me.
Moping, i find a cornerstore, to buy a popsicle,
reach into my pocket looking for three quarters
and in my hand, appears

You: on a broken chain, assumed lost
a wooden Coptic cross,
Mother Teresa of Calcutta, and
Saint Anthony.

You remind me: i have company with you and the saints.

Today i am from the dust
and will turn to
dust again.

Today i feel ve
ry alone but am not
alone.

    why do i call myself naomi Sea?
    firstly, it's a play on my middle initial, being C.

    when i look up the word "sea" in the dictionary, these definitions appeal to me:

* a widely extended, copious, or overwhelming quantity
* something that suggests the ocean in its overwhelming sweep or vastness
* anything apparently limitless in quantity or volume

at sea,

at full sea; at the height of flood tide; hence, at the height.
"But now God's mercy was at full sea." --J. Taylor.

go to sea,

"the only constant is change"
 i think heraclitus said it.

he also said this:
"you cannot step twice into the same river; for other waters are ever flowing on to you."

This river I step in is not the river I stand in.

i cross the bridge above often; for placement-related purposes, to my second favourite coffee shop, to go swimming, to visit some of my favourite neighbourhoods.

i am also metaphorically crossing this bridge daily, from one point of change to another, as new ways of being forcibly present themselves to me. many of the very recent changes that have been presented to me i am having trouble seeing as positive, and am finding it easy to mourn about loss in a very self-centred, inward-looking way. a close friend moving away. a forced step into taking more leadership&responsibility with inter-varsity. loss of immediate proximity of a mentor. loss of a favourite professor.  

change for all parties involved. change is never done in isolation. or affecting just one person.

i would like wrap up the loose strings of this post, so it could be cohesive, but am unsure if i can.

i know in my heart there is another constant besides change; that's the creator, jesus, spirit.. .
i know in my heart if i spend more time in reflection i can move away from my selfishness around change.. .
i know in my heart my time in university has been all about change, and i always survive.. .
i know in my heart there are some things about me that do remain, like love, and hope, and faith.. .

this is a story everyone should hear.

last week i was at work; a group home for adults living with mental illnesses [schizophrenia is a diagnosis that affects every individual living in the house ++ much more], and one resident was overwhelmed by all the issues and problems facing her in her life. this Catholic woman ended her long concerns with this "and then i only put a toonie in the offering basket && only 50 cents in the poor box". then i said, without thinking twice, "hey, you know that parable Jesus tells about the poor widow who only puts two pennies into the offering basket?" "yeah..."  "well, i think you're like the widow." "..oh, okay".

mark 12:41-44
Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. many rich people threw in large amounts. but a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins worth only a fraction of a penny.

 calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, "i tell you the truth, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. they all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on."

raccoon eyes,
essays a week late,
and all-day salsa.

(today the dish i ordered came with surprise pancakes as a side)
and so this is what happens when i do not attend church for a little while:
tears that won't "turn off", won't stop running despite all my willpower to end them
during worship time.
lucky for me i was at a new, homey church for the first time
that a couple of my friends attend regularly.

she saw my red face, ran across the room and sat with me, and
gave me images god gave her about him holding my heart,
and then letting it go,
only to plant it like a seed and have it grow.

and i felt like today, palm sunday, our friendship became more genuine, more honest.

 happy palm sunday,
(Lord, i'm crying hosanna in the highest)

i'm here feeling like i got the short end of the stick- well, the short end of both sides of the stick (if that even makes sense).

short end #1.
i'm to walk away from what i hoped,

PLUS

short end #2.
my relationships with many mutual friends are compromised.

i'm way better with #1, but #2 is bumming me out beyond description. i know it won't last forever, but in the right now, it blows.

all my pants have rips in them, and i don't have any $ for a new pair.
god, please send down pants like manna.
i'm very anxious to get back onto my bike, to go round and round, maybe then i'll feel happy again.
i want to go home, the only home i know seems to be jesus' arms.

I wish I wouldn't cry so hard & so long every time I talk to my Dad on the phone.
There was something he was saying, about how I "live life with gusto" and that I'm always set out to carve my own path, & one of its consequences will be missing my family.
I'm not sure that's ever going to be easy to accept.
It's like, every time I listen to Wild Sage by the Mountain Goats I cry really hard, so I had to stop listening to that song. It's my favourite, but it was getting a little inconvenient, you know, walking to school &birthday parties, wiping tears, trying to look presentable.
Most days include some kind of battle to fight the blotches of red on my face & puffy eyes so I don't have to burden others with the obligation of asking me, "What's wrong?".

I've been waiting to go to Chicago for so long, but now that it is time, I have cold feet;
I blame finances and a broken heart. I'm so bummed, I don't have motivation for big things like this right now.

But who am I joking? it's who I am, right?
I hope this trip will take me outside of my current affect and outlook,
to step outside of myself and into another big city.
I feel I'm too broke to go (but hey, I'll always be).

When something goes that you felt was close to you,
it's easier to feel God, and know he was close all along.

my life has been full of them recently.

i tend to have issues&struggles with fear, and lately Jesus has really just been like,
hey! don't be afraid, i'm with you! don't be afraid, you're mine! don't be afraid, i take care of you! don't be afraid, i know your name! don't be afraid, i've redeemed you!
still sometimes it falls on deaf ears and a reluctant heart.

one of my fears, and something i really struggle with, is being alone.

i always have a problem spending time by myself- which translates also to time personally with God. i find it really hard to be alone and when i'm alone, i often feel the need to be plugged into people somehow.... cellphone, e-mail, whatever. i've never looked at the root of why i waste so much time when i'm by myself, but instead cursed myself for it.
what i need to do is learn to be okay with the silence.
okay with being alone. being by myself.
solitary intimacy with God.
it won't be easy. even my alone time is full of noise and people (doing homework/journalling at coffeeshops or with music or the television on).
this problem extends to my school work too. i have trouble sitting down and concentrating when alone.. i'd rather be around people. i think this is a significant problem (and i recognize many have the opposite problem, and i'm a little bit of a freak.)
so i'm asking from the one who created me for grace to learn to cherish and look forward to the quiet.
the stillness.

i'm addicted to people.
but i need to be solitary, to be alone, and alone with God.

i'm hoping He'll show me how.

cause i believe with every breath of my being that Jesus meant it when he said "i'm not alone, my Father is with me"  and know it applies to me too- so then i should trust it...

I'm hoping tomorrow I can proclaim in my blog,
"and then she found the dress"

I'm quitting life tomorrow (well, just not going to placement) to search Kensington market up and down for a sweet cream-coloured dress. I have vetoed the mall's pitiful selection, but am also having trouble discerning between cream, beige, gold and off-white.

Oh, I'm looking for a bridesmaid's dress, by the way.

I am hoping I can find an excuse to buy a pair of sparkly gold shoes with purchase of needed dress (that may or may not be out there).

Anyway, a lot is going through my brain lately. Not like that's new. I've been dreaming a lot about Chicago lately, and getting really scared about how I've committed to go to Zambia. I saw Persepolis this weekend, and I'm still thinking about it. My back has been hurting a lot lately. I'm worried my heart is on the way to disrepair but I'm disguising it as being okay. I wonder if I'll ever know how to really love someone in an intense, "relationship-al" way if I'm never given the chance. I wonder about patience and if I know anything about it. I've decided I'm giving up alcohol, caffeine & facebook for lent. I'm tired of idealizing people, and people idealizing me. I'm so thankful for the intense executive meeting we had tonight, and how deeply I get to know these random people I've stepped into leadership with. I don't want to feel disconnected anymore. From myself, from my community, from my friends. I crave a deep&close relationship with God, but lack the effort too frequently. What I really want to give up forever, is fear. Don't want to build my house on it anymore.

But you know what? God has been doing good things. Dad's surgery went really well, and placement offered me a part-time job when I am done my hours. God's good beyond the good things that happen though. He's bigger than feelings of being afraid, and feelings of being secure as well. I guess there's a certain peace to be found in hindsight.

I leave as soon as it gets light outside,
like a prisoner breaking out of jail
and I steel down to business fifteen-five-oh-one
like I had a bounty hunter on my tail

and somebody stops to pick me up
but he drops me off just down the block
and along the highway where the empty spirits breathe;
wild sage growing in the weeds

walked down the soft shoulder and I count my steps
headed vaguely eastward, sun in my eyes
and I lose my footing and I skin my hands breaking my fall
and I laugh to myself, and look up at the skies
and then I think I hear angels in my ears
like marbles being thrown against a mirror
and along the highway where unlucky stray dogs bleed
wild sage growing in the weeds

and some days I don't miss my family
and some days I do
some days I think I'd feel better if I tried harder
most days I know it's not true

I lay down right where I felt cold grass in my face
and I hear the traffic like the rhythm of the tides
and I stare at the scrape on the heel of my hand
'til it doesn't sting so much and until the bloods dried
and when somebody asks if I'm ok
I don't know what to say
and along the highway
from cast-off innumerable seeds

wild sage growing in the weeds.

-john darnielle.