9 posts tagged “god”

this is a story everyone should hear.

last week i was at work; a group home for adults living with mental illnesses [schizophrenia is a diagnosis that affects every individual living in the house ++ much more], and one resident was overwhelmed by all the issues and problems facing her in her life. this Catholic woman ended her long concerns with this "and then i only put a toonie in the offering basket && only 50 cents in the poor box". then i said, without thinking twice, "hey, you know that parable Jesus tells about the poor widow who only puts two pennies into the offering basket?" "yeah..."  "well, i think you're like the widow." "..oh, okay".

mark 12:41-44
Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. many rich people threw in large amounts. but a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins worth only a fraction of a penny.

 calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, "i tell you the truth, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. they all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on."

raccoon eyes,
essays a week late,
and all-day salsa.

(today the dish i ordered came with surprise pancakes as a side)
and so this is what happens when i do not attend church for a little while:
tears that won't "turn off", won't stop running despite all my willpower to end them
during worship time.
lucky for me i was at a new, homey church for the first time
that a couple of my friends attend regularly.

she saw my red face, ran across the room and sat with me, and
gave me images god gave her about him holding my heart,
and then letting it go,
only to plant it like a seed and have it grow.

and i felt like today, palm sunday, our friendship became more genuine, more honest.

 happy palm sunday,
(Lord, i'm crying hosanna in the highest)

i'm here feeling like i got the short end of the stick- well, the short end of both sides of the stick (if that even makes sense).

short end #1.
i'm to walk away from what i hoped,

PLUS

short end #2.
my relationships with many mutual friends are compromised.

i'm way better with #1, but #2 is bumming me out beyond description. i know it won't last forever, but in the right now, it blows.

all my pants have rips in them, and i don't have any $ for a new pair.
god, please send down pants like manna.
i'm very anxious to get back onto my bike, to go round and round, maybe then i'll feel happy again.
i want to go home, the only home i know seems to be jesus' arms.

I wish I wouldn't cry so hard & so long every time I talk to my Dad on the phone.
There was something he was saying, about how I "live life with gusto" and that I'm always set out to carve my own path, & one of its consequences will be missing my family.
I'm not sure that's ever going to be easy to accept.
It's like, every time I listen to Wild Sage by the Mountain Goats I cry really hard, so I had to stop listening to that song. It's my favourite, but it was getting a little inconvenient, you know, walking to school &birthday parties, wiping tears, trying to look presentable.
Most days include some kind of battle to fight the blotches of red on my face & puffy eyes so I don't have to burden others with the obligation of asking me, "What's wrong?".

I've been waiting to go to Chicago for so long, but now that it is time, I have cold feet;
I blame finances and a broken heart. I'm so bummed, I don't have motivation for big things like this right now.

But who am I joking? it's who I am, right?
I hope this trip will take me outside of my current affect and outlook,
to step outside of myself and into another big city.
I feel I'm too broke to go (but hey, I'll always be).

When something goes that you felt was close to you,
it's easier to feel God, and know he was close all along.

my life has been full of them recently.

i tend to have issues&struggles with fear, and lately Jesus has really just been like,
hey! don't be afraid, i'm with you! don't be afraid, you're mine! don't be afraid, i take care of you! don't be afraid, i know your name! don't be afraid, i've redeemed you!
still sometimes it falls on deaf ears and a reluctant heart.

one of my fears, and something i really struggle with, is being alone.

i always have a problem spending time by myself- which translates also to time personally with God. i find it really hard to be alone and when i'm alone, i often feel the need to be plugged into people somehow.... cellphone, e-mail, whatever. i've never looked at the root of why i waste so much time when i'm by myself, but instead cursed myself for it.
what i need to do is learn to be okay with the silence.
okay with being alone. being by myself.
solitary intimacy with God.
it won't be easy. even my alone time is full of noise and people (doing homework/journalling at coffeeshops or with music or the television on).
this problem extends to my school work too. i have trouble sitting down and concentrating when alone.. i'd rather be around people. i think this is a significant problem (and i recognize many have the opposite problem, and i'm a little bit of a freak.)
so i'm asking from the one who created me for grace to learn to cherish and look forward to the quiet.
the stillness.

i'm addicted to people.
but i need to be solitary, to be alone, and alone with God.

i'm hoping He'll show me how.

cause i believe with every breath of my being that Jesus meant it when he said "i'm not alone, my Father is with me"  and know it applies to me too- so then i should trust it...

I'm hoping tomorrow I can proclaim in my blog,
"and then she found the dress"

I'm quitting life tomorrow (well, just not going to placement) to search Kensington market up and down for a sweet cream-coloured dress. I have vetoed the mall's pitiful selection, but am also having trouble discerning between cream, beige, gold and off-white.

Oh, I'm looking for a bridesmaid's dress, by the way.

I am hoping I can find an excuse to buy a pair of sparkly gold shoes with purchase of needed dress (that may or may not be out there).

Anyway, a lot is going through my brain lately. Not like that's new. I've been dreaming a lot about Chicago lately, and getting really scared about how I've committed to go to Zambia. I saw Persepolis this weekend, and I'm still thinking about it. My back has been hurting a lot lately. I'm worried my heart is on the way to disrepair but I'm disguising it as being okay. I wonder if I'll ever know how to really love someone in an intense, "relationship-al" way if I'm never given the chance. I wonder about patience and if I know anything about it. I've decided I'm giving up alcohol, caffeine & facebook for lent. I'm tired of idealizing people, and people idealizing me. I'm so thankful for the intense executive meeting we had tonight, and how deeply I get to know these random people I've stepped into leadership with. I don't want to feel disconnected anymore. From myself, from my community, from my friends. I crave a deep&close relationship with God, but lack the effort too frequently. What I really want to give up forever, is fear. Don't want to build my house on it anymore.

But you know what? God has been doing good things. Dad's surgery went really well, and placement offered me a part-time job when I am done my hours. God's good beyond the good things that happen though. He's bigger than feelings of being afraid, and feelings of being secure as well. I guess there's a certain peace to be found in hindsight.

I leave as soon as it gets light outside,
like a prisoner breaking out of jail
and I steel down to business fifteen-five-oh-one
like I had a bounty hunter on my tail

and somebody stops to pick me up
but he drops me off just down the block
and along the highway where the empty spirits breathe;
wild sage growing in the weeds

walked down the soft shoulder and I count my steps
headed vaguely eastward, sun in my eyes
and I lose my footing and I skin my hands breaking my fall
and I laugh to myself, and look up at the skies
and then I think I hear angels in my ears
like marbles being thrown against a mirror
and along the highway where unlucky stray dogs bleed
wild sage growing in the weeds

and some days I don't miss my family
and some days I do
some days I think I'd feel better if I tried harder
most days I know it's not true

I lay down right where I felt cold grass in my face
and I hear the traffic like the rhythm of the tides
and I stare at the scrape on the heel of my hand
'til it doesn't sting so much and until the bloods dried
and when somebody asks if I'm ok
I don't know what to say
and along the highway
from cast-off innumerable seeds

wild sage growing in the weeds.

-john darnielle.

I read in my Great-Grandmother's bible today: "I had rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than to dwell in the tents of wickedness"* and felt like, yes, I would like to things with little recognition or acceptance if only to be in the presence of my God.
I have no affinity for the King James Version but I do have a great affinity for this bible; I keep it with me nearly every day. It goes travelling with me; bump bump down the street on my side as I ride down Queen Street, hides with me in a oversized chair in a fair trade coffee shop, comes to school with me too. Its pages are gold plated and its leather cover is worn. Her writing shows she was a faithful bible reader.
Ideally I would like a small bible with a version I prefer/understand more fully at first read, but maybe God is teaching me something about longevity, concentration, cherishing what is given to me.

Or maybe I just really like old looking things.

*psalm 84:10

I was telling this to my friends last night, and I brought it up like, three times. I think they got a little sick hearing about it, but it's really blowing my mind. I wish I could write this out more eloquently, but my creative skills are lacking this morning. Too much wine last night, maybe. 

Yesterday, a guy on the street approached me and asked me if I had a stamp. He was pacing around with a letter that was waiting for a stamp. A stranger asked me for a stamp, so naturally.
I carry stamps with me, in my wallet. I gave him one. Why did he think to ask me for a stamp? Why not 50c to go buy one? Why do I carry them with me? Really, what are the odds. He was waiting for a stamp. I HAD A STAMP. He asked me for change for coffee, and I said sorry, no. But... I had a stamp for him. I... It's blowing my mind. Five seconds before I was praying about how I feel like I wasn't loving people anymore. That I was no longer in situations that instruct me to love like God loves. love in action. was it? was giving that guy a stamp - well, what was it?
Small things with great love?
Most people I know wouldn't go this deep into it.