6 posts tagged “home”

The trees grasping for each other
in front of a province in St. James Town
standing tall; broad shoulders.
the private parking lot, Dan's bicycle, the empty backyard of the empty house next door.
what I will no longer see.
what I've ignored for very long, a very long three years.

My room, filthy but so warmly familiar, is what i cannot leave.
my neighbourhood, even more so,
wont let my wrists go.

i'm here feeling like i got the short end of the stick- well, the short end of both sides of the stick (if that even makes sense).

short end #1.
i'm to walk away from what i hoped,

PLUS

short end #2.
my relationships with many mutual friends are compromised.

i'm way better with #1, but #2 is bumming me out beyond description. i know it won't last forever, but in the right now, it blows.

all my pants have rips in them, and i don't have any $ for a new pair.
god, please send down pants like manna.
i'm very anxious to get back onto my bike, to go round and round, maybe then i'll feel happy again.
i want to go home, the only home i know seems to be jesus' arms.

pipe dreams of co-ownership of a bunny paired with less tolerance for meaningless& ignorant speech.
shitty at-home hair dye jobs and a deep fascination with how much i can live my life controlled by fear.
bad chinese food with tired parents.
yesterday's paper & a burn from a spilled americano.

some new music tonight and back to the old routine tomorrow morning.

last night i dreamt of no-water tazo chais.
ahh Starbucks, stop stealing my dreams!

i'm at my parent's house right now.
i feel like a nomad when i'm here, i drop my crap off in whatever room i'm transplanted to, and just sleep.
always in a bed that ruins my back for the first half of the day.
i forget I have to quiet my voice for baby, and watch too much tv.

i'm tired of my cliche rantings about home.

they move on the 28th to London, and i fly to Alberta on the 26th.
i kind of feel like a jerk about missing helping them move.. they have a lot of work left to do.

i come back to Toronto on the 1st of january.
i'm not sure i'm ready for 2008.
but i don't have a choice.

Last week I watched a lot of The Office, like, all of seasons 1 and 2 in less than a week. And it almost made me wish for a similar life, living in the town I grew up in, at some crappy receptionist or sales job. Somehow TV can make anything glamorous, hmm? But this quote sums up much better how I feel about home, and staying in the place where I grew up; it's from Garden State:

"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone. ... You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place."

This summer has really reinforced into me this idea. I miss my house that I lived in from age seven to seventeen; but not much else about Kitchener (there are things I enjoy, yeah, like uptown Waterloo, Encore Records [okay. I do miss Encore Records.]). I think it all really started before I moved out, with not having solid roots in Kitchener. I don't blame this all on my surroundings, though I'm sure it helped that I felt like I never had much in common with most of my close friends nearing the end of my living there, I guess I just stopped investing, too (Except,.. I really did love my Grade 12 Drama class...).

My parents are putting the house up for sale next month. They're moving to London for work (both of them). Bye bye Queen's Blvd. My brother & sister-in-law are in London for Brendan's school, and Aaron's still in China. Home is definetly not a place. It's insulting to even think that.

I assume a lot of people have the town where they grew up (if they move away from it) as the place they can always come back for a good time, for reunions of family+friends, rehashing of memories and whatever, eating your favourite burger,blabla. Kitchener isn't that for me, but I can only hope that Toronto will be, when I leave and go whereever else it is I might go (if you know me, you know the plans are grandiose, detailed and long). So... Toronto, you're my new hometown, are you okay with that?

I'm going on my third year of living in the place I love, yet I've lost so many ties with so many people since I've been here (and definetly before,), it's debilitating. 
There's so much more to living life than figuring out where "home" is...
Nevertheless,... I'm still between the click of a light and the start of a dream. Us kids know where we know.

Things:

1. Inside (nightclub) is dirtydirty. Never want to go there again, or anywhere where sex-dancing (bahah) with strangers is mandatory.  !! (Like, actually! )   Seriously though, what the f. Isn't there anywhere to just dance with your giiiirlfriends to (preferably) good music where the threat of being grabbed from the behind to grind awkwardly isn't a constant concern (and I mean constant. every minute.)? Even Dance Cave is losing its cred in this department.

2. I finished the first semester of second year Social Work at Ryerson University yesterday. How? I'm actually not sure. Anyone who thinks Social Work is easy, I dare you to try it.      Actually, I do know how I finished this semester... by the grace of God + the strength he gives. That's it though.

3. I'm going home sometime. Not sure when. Not in a rush, I don't think. Still some volunteering to do and even more cleaning (ugh,ugh,ugh...). Hopefully more hanging out too. Freedomize love feast tommorow!!

4. I read Go Ask Alice today in one sitting, and decided to google it after. I'm fairly certain I believe the idea it is fictional. The vocabulary and epilogue especially irked me to be unfitting. But really, who knows. The reality of the situation still remains.

 5. I have a holiday book list. I hope I read them all... I'm so exicted..
edited to be a little more realistic.
Go Ask Alice
Strange Heaven
Stalin's Russia (half done)
Perks of Being a Wallflower
The Rules of Attraction
The Sweet Hereafter
Everything is Illuminated
Strangers in Paradise Pocket book #2